Shame and Vulnerability: How to Build Resilience

“Developing shame resilience, this ability to move toward empathy in the face of shame, is not an easy process” (Brown, 2007, p. 66). The four elements of shame resilience provide a valuable focus for healing. To begin:

1.     Learn to recognize and understand your shame triggers.

2.    Develop high levels of critical awareness about your web of shame.

3.    Be willing to reach out to others.

4.    Become able to speak about shame.

The following exercises can help address the four elements and teach us to move through shame. They can be self-administered or used with clients.

Learning to recognize our physical reaction to shame

Take some time to reflect on each of the following questions and gain a greater understanding of your physical reaction to shame (Brown, 2007).

  • Where do you physically feel shame (for example, stomach, head, shoulders, etc.)?

  • How does it feel (for example, butterflies in your stomach, tense shoulders, etc.)?

  • How do you know when you are ashamed?

  • What would shame taste like?

  • What would shame smell like?

  • What would shame sound like?

Learning to recognize shame will help you gain power over it.

Identifying shame triggers

Acknowledging our vulnerabilities can help us recognize our shame triggers (Brown, 2007). Make a list for each of the following questions:

  • How would you like to be perceived (for example, strong, kind, resilient, etc.)?

  • How would you NOT like to be perceived (for example, soft, weak, unforgiving, etc.)?

Reflect on the answers to the questions and ask yourself what situations or events may challenge each one and leave you feeling shame.

For those points you would not like to be identified with, ask yourself (modified from Brown, 2007):

  • What does this perception mean to me?

  • Why is it so unwanted?

  • Where did this belief come from?

“When it comes to shame, understanding is a prerequisite for change,” says Brown (2007, p. 83).

Recognizing expectation

When we identify expectations (such as how we look, what we do, the partner we have chosen, etc.), it is vital to consider their origins. The following questions can be helpful (modified from Brown, 2007):

  • What are the associated social-community expectations?

  • Why do they exist?

  • How do they work?

  • How do they influence our society?

  • Who really benefits from them?

Once we understand where such expectations have arisen from, we can recognize that they do not control us and reject them, freeing us from shame.

PositivePsychology.com’s Resilience Resources

We have many resources available for therapists providing support to individuals wanting to address emotional issues such as shame.

Why not download our free self-compassion pack and try out the powerful tools contained within? Some examples include:

  • Applying the Yin Yang of Self-Compassion
    Whereas many existing self-compassion therapeutic exercises help clients enact yin self-compassion, this tool helps clients explore and develop both yin and yang self-compassion.

  • Self-Care Vision board
    This exercise helps clients creatively increase self-care and self-compassion using a self-care vision board.

Other free resources include:

  • Guilt and Shame Emotions That Drive Depression
    This worksheet helps break the cycle of shame and depression through reflection on guilty thoughts.

  • Letter of Self-compassion
    Writing a letter of self-compassion can prompt us to be more forgiving and refocus our thinking on being kind to ourselves.

More extensive versions of the following tools are available with a subscription to the Positive Psychology Toolkit©, but they are described briefly below:

  • Fierce Self-Compassion Break
    This powerful exercise helps clients explore the difference between self-compassion that is tender and gentle versus self-compassion that is fierce and protective. It can help them manifest self-compassion in a way that is empowering, protective, and provides clarity in times of need.

  • Window of Tolerance
    Therapeutic change often depends on widening what psychology refers to as the window of tolerance (WOT). We can have multiple WOTs throughout the day, depending on what we are doing and how we feel.

This exercise helps clients recognize their WOTs, the signs of when it begins to narrow, and how to stay within it.

If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others overcome adversity, check out this collection of 17 validated resilience and coping exercises. Use them to help others recover from personal challenges and turn setbacks into opportunities for growth.

A Take-Home Message

The web of shame is something with which we should all be familiar. It doesn’t just arise from significant events, incidents, or failures; it exists in our day-to-day lives.

However, shame triggers are often invisible, found in the fabric of society, the workplace, education, and even our families. While not always intended to harm, they can lead to a sense of being trapped in shame and persistent feelings of fear associated with moving forward.

Brené Brown offers us a route out. When we can recognize the catalyst of our shame, create authentic connections built on empathy, and tell our story, we can emancipate ourselves. We can learn to redress the balance, from shame on one side to empathy on the other, showing ourselves and others kindness and compassion and allowing ourselves to become vulnerable.

Ultimately, empathy creates an environment that is hostile to shame, causing it annoyance and discomfort, rather than offering sustenance and room for growth. While we may not have control over the circumstances that led to these feelings, we can manage and overcome their effect on us.

Why not check out Brown’s TEDx videos embedded within the article and her books to better understand and overcome your own or your clients’ shame?

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Resilience Exercises for free.

REFERENCES

  • Alvarez, D. V. (2020). Using shame resilience to decrease depressive symptoms in an adult intensive outpatient population. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 56(2), 363–370.

  • Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society-The Journal of Contemporary Social Services, 87(1), 43–52.

  • Brown, B. (2007). I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Telling the truth about perfectionism, inadequacy, and power. Gotham Books.

  • Brown, B. (2015). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Avery.

  • Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead brave work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts. Vermilion.

  • Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart. Vermilion.

  • Dearing, R. L., & Tangney, J. (2011). Shame in the therapy hour. American Psychological Association.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jeremy Sutton, Ph.D., is a writer and researcher studying the human capacity to push physical and mental limits. His work always remains true to the science beneath, his real-world background in technology, his role as a husband and parent, and his passion as an ultra-marathoner.

Luis Gregoris